Of Words and Depression
by NoctePluvia
Summary: CONTINUED BY SEGA385! Kendall yells at Logan, accidentally pushing him over the edge. ONESHOT. Character Death/Suicide. NO SLASH


**Great news for anybody looking for a sequel! sega385 is continuing the story, and more chapters will be posted on their page.  
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><p>"Look Logan, I'm just not in the mood right now," Kendall mumbled, staring at the TV.<p>

"You haven't left the apartment in days! You need to move on!" like the rest of the group, Logan had grown tired of Kendall's moping. "James and Carlos are down at the pool waiting for us. Let's go."

"I don't want to go swimming. Just leave me alone," Kendall rolled over, facing the couch. He couldn't stop thinking about Jo. She was gone, and he couldn't move on.

"We're worried about you. You need to distract yourself." Logan was sent to talk to Kendall because he was the most patient, but even he was getting frustrated by this point.

"Shut up. You don't understand what I'm going through, Logan. You and Camille break up every other day. You just don't get it," Kendall knew he was being harsh, but he felt what he said was true. He loved his friends, but they didn't understand how he felt. They couldn't understand.

Though Logan did feel the sting of Kendall's words. He knew Kendall was upset, but he cared about Camille as much as Kendall cared about Jo.

He took a deep breath and tried again. "OK, maybe I don't understand, but I do know you can't keep living like this. You need to get out and start living again! You're pushing everyone away! Why won't you talk to us?"

"Logan, you can't fix everything. I don't need your help. I'm fine, okay? Just leave me alone. I don't want to deal with you now, Logan," even as he spoke the words, Kendall knew he messed up. That came out so much worse than he meant it. But he was tired, he just wanted to be by himself. He ignored the look of pain that crossed Logan's face as Logan left the room.

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><p>"I don't think he's coming, guys," Logan told Carlos and James down by the pool. Actually, he'd be surprised if Kendall even spoke to him for a while. He knew he could be a little overbearing, but he just wanted to help. Logan knew he screwed up this time.<p>

"Really? Still? I'm gonna go try to get him. Watch our stuff," Carlos took off running before Logan or James could respond.

Logan looked over at James, who was busy rubbing suntan lotion on some girl's back. Logan didn't really feel like waiting around for Carlos to come back, especially if he got Kendall, so he stood up.

"Hey James, I'm gonna go on a walk. I'll see you later."

"Whatever you say, buddy." James didn't bother to look up from the girl in front of him as Logan left.

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><p>Logan soon found himself in Palmwoods Park, wandering around. He couldn't stop thinking about what Kendall said. <em>I don't need your help. I don't want to deal with you now, Logan. <em>How much of that did Kendall mean? Everybody says things they regret when they're mad, but that didn't mean they're not true. Some truths only came out in anger and spite.

_I don't need your help. _Logan had known for a while that he wasn't good enough for his friends, but he thought that maybe their friendship was real anyway. They cared for each other. They needed each other. Didn't they? Logan knew he needed his friends, but did they need him? Was he just a liability, just a wimp that always asked for help? Didn't anybody need him the way he needed them? Logan knew he was needy, and he'd been feeling pretty bad lately, but his friends were always there for him. Well, they were there when he asked for help at least. He wasn't good at asking for help, but lately...

_I don't want to deal with you now, Logan. _I don't want to deal with you. That one hit Logan especially hard. _No one wants you Logan. Nobody want to deal with you. You're just in the way. _Even after all these years, long after the cuts and bruises had faded, Logan hadn't forgotten the bully's words. Those words were pounded into him, day after day, for years before Logan moved to Minnesota. He thought he was over it, he thought he had moved on when he met Kendall, Carlos, and James. So why did he still remember these words? Why did he still get these waves of despair? Why couldn't he just be normal?

Of course, logic told him that if his friends didn't want him, they would have abandoned him a long time ago. Hell, they brought him all the way to LA with them. So he must be worth something, right? But maybe they had just realized how stupid he was. Maybe they just figured out how much of a loser and wimp Logan was. After all, hadn't Kendall just admitted he didn't want to deal with Logan? No, he was just angry. Wasn't he?

Logan knew it was stupid, but he couldn't stop that cruel, hurtful voice in his head from reminding him of all his flaws. _Too smart. Too cautious. Too weird. _Things that he had spent years convincing himself he was not now came rushing back to him. That was all he could see. That stupid, scared little know-it-all.

All of the little jokes and teasing from his friends came back to him. Over the years, they had called each other a thousand different named. But it didn't make sense. Logan didn't mean any of his teasing. They didn't mean theirs. They were friends, they just joked with each other. Right? _I don't need your help. I don't want to deal with you now, Logan. _What if they hadn't been joking? What if they didn't want him? The depression he had been fighting off for days was closing in on him.

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><p>It had only been half an hour, but Kendall couldn't push away the guilt any longer. He was supposed to protect his friends, not hurt them. What was wrong with him? Kendall finally followed Carlos down to the pool, were he was told James and Logan were waiting. He found James tanning, but Logan was nowhere to be seen. Carlos jumped into the pool, urging Kendall to join him.<p>

"Guys, where's Logan?" Kendall asked. Carlos shrugged, not looking too concerned.

"He went down to the park. Said he was going on a walk. Glad to see you out of the room, man," James said, flashing a smile. Logan obviously hadn't told him anything.

"Right. I'm gonna go see if I can find him. You guys can just stay - " Kendall was cut off by James.

"OK man, sure. See ya," James closed his eyes again, and Carlos waved from the pool.

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><p>Kendall found Logan sitting under a tree, staring blankly out across the part. He seemed to be thinking, but Kendall doubted it was anything good. Would Logan ever forgive him for what he said?<p>

Logan looked up, startled as Kendall sat down next to him. Somebody had bothered looking for him? His self-esteem had plummeted lower than he thought possible in the past half hour. Of course, his self-esteem only plummeted because he was weak enough to let someone's words affect him. How was anyone ever friends with him?

"Look, Logan, I - " Kendall started.

"Sorry," Logan interrupted, looking down at the grass.

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?" This was definitely not what Kendall was expecting.

"I'm sorry I bothered you. I'm sorry I'm a wimp. I'm sorry I get in the way. I'm sorry I - "

"Logan. Stop. Please." Kendall felt a horrible sinking in his chest. He had forgotten about Logan's self-esteem problems. Did Logan really think he was worthless? What had Kendall done? "You do not get in the way. You are strong and brave and have saved our lives countless times. You never bother me, Logan." He watched Logan quickly wipe away a tear and let out a little sigh.

"You don't have to lie anymore, Kendall. I was bothering you less than an hour ago. I know I get in the way. It's OK. I'm fine. I'll leave. You don't need to deal with me anymore."_ I don't want to deal with you now, Logan. _Oh God. Had he really said that? He was angry, he didn't really mean that. How could Logan not see that?

"Logan, I didn't mean that. Of course I didn't mean that. I was being stupid. Of course we need you." Kendall began feeling desperate. He was remembering when he first met Logan, years ago. Logan had mentioned something. _Depression. _But that was forever ago. It was over. Logan was fine. He was happy. Wasn't he?

"No, really Kendall, it's fine," Logan had a small smile on his face now, despite the way his eyes were glazing over a bit. "I took care of everything. Now everybody's lives can be easier. I finally took care of it."

It was then that Kendall noticed a small bottle grasped tightly in Logan's hand. He grabbed it, feeling sick. It was a bottle of antidepressants. Strong, prescription medicine. Prescribed in Logan's name. _He was on medicine? _How much didn't Kendall know? But that wasn't his main concern at the moment. Because it was at that moment that Kendall realized the bottle was empty. And Logan was silent.


End file.
